Radical Relationship Pillars
Radical relationships are nontraditional relationships where one or more persons has marginalized interests, identities, values, or needs. These relationships have capacity to be revolutionary yet still can struggle many of the same problems that traditional relationships struggle with. A unique challenge of radical relationships is the lack of skillfulness that others - society, or culture - may have in engaging with and supporting these pairs. Radical Relationship Coaching exists to offer a container for processing, reflection, and ritual-building so people can continue growing into what these relationships call for.
Queer and trans couples, or pairs where one person is queer and/or trans
People of color and Black people, or interracial relationships where one is a person of color or Black
Nonreligious couples, or pairs where partners have differing religious practices or beliefs
Non-monogamous couples, or pairs exploring non-monogamy
Fat couples, or pairs where one person is fat
Kink dynamics, or pairs where one person has a kink or fetish
Disabled pairs, or pairs where one person is disabled
Platonic pairs, co-working pairs, or familial pairs
Mentor/mentee relationships
Example:
I once knew someone who was navigating relationship challenges. As a thin lesbian divorcing her fat wife, every time she would go to her family to vent or ask for support, they would say, "She could do better anyway," and attribute her wife's shortcomings to her weight.
She would come to me and lament about how exhausting it was to have to end up defending her partner when she had originally gone to them simply to be held and seen in ways she felt she couldn't in her relationship.
This, in my opinion, is the type of slow drip that eventually puts too much strain on a relationship.
The pillars I have created go hand in hand with the Gottman Sound Relationship House Theory. That framework invites you to look at the basics of what supports any relationship's sustainability. This framework considers both the emotional needs and the cultural context of what people need. None of these pillars ask that you be perfect. They ask that you notice and continue to build the capacity to consider each energetic zone as crucial to supporting your partner in developing, finding, or chasing their calling, role, or purpose; dismantling problematic patterns or systems of thought; and rebuilding trust in themselves and the world.
These pillars invite you to look at what makes a radical relationship work:
Somatic Consent
Somatic Consent asks: Can your partner trust that you will care about where they are when you approach?
Power Literacy
Power Literacy asks: Do I and my partner engage power imbalances with intention?
Accommodations
Accommodations suggests that everyone is traumatized, neurospicy, or just a little eccentric in some way. This pillar asks: Do my partner and I do the best we can, in any given moment—knowing that capacity fluctuates to adjust for one another and learn the communication tools that best help us advocate for ourselves?
Community Context
Community Context asks: Are my partner and I supported enough as both a unit and as individuals? Am I, or is my partner, in a position to access fulfillment in everyday life? How can we unlearn the enmeshment taught in a capitalistic society that sometimes values the pair over the individual or the community as a whole? Think about tax benefits, housing access, and similar systems. This can also tie into Power Literacy. Are you and your partner called a "power couple"? How are you perceived, and what parts of that perception need Shadow Acknowledgment and further Power Literacy development?
Shadow Acknowledgment
Shadow Acknowledgment asks: Is there a system for apologizing, repairing, and communicating? Is there active limits work? Is there a way of managing conflict? Are you able to differentiate between active current limits, long-term limits, and immovable limits?
